i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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