Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
