I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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