He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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