Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
