i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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