I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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