peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
