I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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