My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
