Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize