"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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