I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
