Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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