hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
