I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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