i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
