I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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