im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
