Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
