I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Holy shit dude........stairs
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
