how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
