Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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