oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
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