you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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