This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
