Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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