You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize