If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
