Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
