I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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