I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize