He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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