I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
