i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
