i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
