nut hugger
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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