Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He? As in you personified your dick?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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