Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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