Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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