i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
