just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
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