2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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