is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
