THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
her facebook's as public as her vagina
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
