There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize