I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
