Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
