my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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