It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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