when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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