sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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