I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
