I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
