Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
