I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
