went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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