apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
