She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
