i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
