there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
