"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just forgot I was standing up.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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