Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
