how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
cat food counts as protein by the way
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
