Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
