So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
