3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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