my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
