You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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