I am puke
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Randomize
