so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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